Dumbledore's Reflections
by Wolf Maid
Summary: One Shot. 'I can almost hear your voice, Sirius. Growing melancholy, Dumbledore...' Dumbledore reflects on Sirius’ death and what it means to both Harry and himself...End of fourth book.


**Warning: **Spoilers for _Order of the Phoenix_!  Even in the summary!

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything from Harry Potter…none of the characters are mine…the story idea is though!  Yay!  At least I own something!  Go me!

**Summary**: Dumbledore reflects on Sirius' death and what it means to both Harry and himself.

**Author's Notes**: This is from Dumbledore's point of view.  Most of the time he is talking to Sirius.  He _knows _Sirius is dead.  Sirius is _not_ alive.  He is merely directing his thoughts in a conversation to Sirius.

Reflections of Dumbledore

Sirius.  Dead.  Ah, my old friend, how can you ever forgive me?  I tried to keep him safe, but in the end Voldemort used Harry's feelings for you to lure him—and you paid the price of his safety with your life.

            You dealt with so much—so much death and hurt—feelings of betrayal and all those long years in Azkaban when all your friends believed the worst of you.  Including me.

            He was right you know.  Voldemort.  He knew that the one thing that would bring Harry there was you.  Perhaps that brings some comfort to you?  That of all the people in the world, Harry Potter chose you for a friend and a brother?  He truly is his father's son, knowing instinctively who would be the best for him.  

            Hmm.  James.  After all these years, I still cannot picture him without you by his side.  He would have been lost.  Will Harry come to that?  Lost?  Not sure of which way to turn without your friendship, your guidance?  Will he ever understand the price you paid—not just for him but for James as well?  Will he ever realize that you were not the only one who cared about him?

            I should have told him earlier.  Should have told him his destiny, so he could somehow prepare.  But how do you prepare for your murder or for the murder you will commit?  Even in all his grief for you, when I told him the prophecy he stopped.  Commit murder?  Harry?  I am afraid for him Sirius.  He is strong.  But can he kill?  Perhaps, in that too, you have helped him.  For if nothing else he now has a cause, and revenge is one of the oldest in all of history.

            But how can I revenge you?  I carry your death on my shoulders, Sirius, and it is a heavy burden indeed.  I should have gotten there sooner.  I should have told Harry.  I should have watched him better, stayed closed, persuade the Ministry somehow, should have…. ah, but should haves can no longer help you now, my friend.  You are past this realm of existence, and somewhere, I am sure, Lily and James are welcoming you again.

            Yes, Lily will be sad that you have left her son, but James will look past the sadness to the joy of having you by his side again, for true friends should never be parted for long.  I wonder what awaits you there?  Where you go, what it looks like.  Be at peace, my friend, I will watch over Harry, and I will not fail you again.

            I have returned as Headmaster, and left the chores had taken up to other, younger hands.  My place is here, for now.  In my school, with my friends and students beside me.  You know, I always regretted not having children.  In a way, I look upon the students as my children.  They are all my children.  You, Sirius, were my child.  My son, what have I done to you?

            In a way, perhaps that is why I was jealous of you.  Jealous, you may think?  Yes, Sirius, I was always jealous of you, for while you may have been Harry's friend and brother, but it was I who always looked upon him as a son.  Yet he never noticed.  Never noticed how I watched him in the hallway, a mere shadow against the wall.  How I went to his games and smiled and clapped with pride.  How I took his creeping around to heart yet, like a doting parent, could not bare to punish him, so instead gave him his father's invisibility cloak so he would at least no get caught.  He never noticed, but it was my fault Sirius.

            I didn't want to admit that I cared about him.  I didn't want to admit that I loved him.  I didn't want to admit that he was the son I never had, because I had to hurt him.  I had to hurt him so much Sirius, I had to tell him he had to become a murderer if he wanted to stay alive.  Oh, Sirius, you should have seen his face!  I could have wept with him, but it was not my place.  None of this is my place.  I should have told him long ago and left the feelings for you.  At least you'd still be alive.

            Alive.  Yes, Sirius, I don't know if you can hear me, but I am talking to you.  I know you would not have stayed on earth as a ghost; James needs you more.  I know you're not here.  But it is easy to confide in you, because you cannot tell anyone, and you must know what I mean.  Because I know you loved him too.  He was his father's son.

            Oh Sirius.  This school year is ending.  Children are packing up and ready to leave.  They always leave, each year, and some move on and don't come back, and some new children come to take their place.  But Voldemort is loose, and what if some who were supposed to come back do not?  What if he comes to claim more of my children?  James and Lily were enough.  Diggory was enough.  Damnit, you were enough!

            I can almost hear your voice, Sirius.  Growing melancholy, Dumbledore?  Yes, you're right.  I'm growing old, growing melancholy.  He is back, he wants to take Harry, and I just don't know if I can teach him enough to help.  And you're gone, you're not here to help, and now that you're gone I realize how much you were part of Harry.

            I won't let tears mourn the man who never cried in grief.  Instead I'll do something more meaningful, something you will understand.  I'll make you a promise, Sirius, since Harry has already claimed your revenge.  I won't let him take Harry.  He'll have to go through me, and I won't lose.  Damn the prophecy.  I won't lose, Sirius, because the last time I lost I lost my friend.  I'll be dead before I lose my son.  I swear that.  For you, Sirius, I swear.  For you.


End file.
